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Football elite in need of urgent treatment

Before we ponder Robbie Fowler’s contract negotiations, Rupert Murdoch’s plans for Manchester United, and the amazing fact that anyone is masochistic enough to referee a Premiership match these days, think about the men and women presently running themselves ragged in NHS hospitals.

What are they up Are All Prada Products Made In Italy to? They’re inserting catheters, emptying bedpans and are up to their elbows in blood. And here’s what they get for all this: if they are new to the job, their salary is 12,855 a year – or, put another way, slightly less than Joe Cole, West Ham’s 17-year-old prodigy, has been paid in the fortnight since he made his first-team debut; if they are at the very top of the pay table, they are getting 26,965 a year – in other words, five grand less than the aforementioned Fowler is reported to have turned down as his possible maximum reward for one week’s work for Liverpool.

It may not be exactly revolutionary to observe that life is unfair, that society rewards life-savers with peanuts and footballers with riches beyond most people’s wildest dreams. But the English Premiership insists on rubbing fans’ faces in it again and again.

If it’s not players who set out to injure, or after a nudge in the ribs register agony on their face, it’s Moaning Manager syndrome, particularly virulent when it comes to complaints about referees and their assistants on the line – those dedicated individuals who are rewarded with earfuls of abuse and cheques that the like of Arsne and Alex wouldn’t even pass early morning wind for, let alone get out of bed.

Then there are those who walk football’s corridors of power without respect – Doug and Freddie, the Newcastle Two; Martin Edwards, who, in being willing to sell Manchester United to BSkyB, shows himself to be more moved by the spirit of Mammon than that of Matt Busby; Keith Wiseman, severed head of the Football Association, undone for slipping a brown envelope to his Welsh counterparts. And now, the bizarre goings-on at Crystal Palace.

Always a handy paradigm for the nation’s moral health, football exhibits some of the worst aspects of late 20th-century Britain: principally, that the rich are getting richer while the poor are forced to the touchlines and ignored. Meanwhile, cheating is finessed ever more outrageously in an environment where winners are everything and losers Best Prada Outlet In Italy despised.

As ever in such circumstances, the language has become as corrupted as the things it describes. Footballers, not noted for Black Leather Prada Milano Purse their mastery of words, seem to know their Orwell. “Win a penalty” entered football pro-speak about 10 years ago and has now filtered down to the public parks. What next? “Win a yellow” or “win a red” for the skill with which you get an opponent wrongly cautioned or dismissed? However, to extend the medical metaphor, we should beware of contracting terminal nostalgia, a persistent disease in English football, which has probably done as much damage as some of those who boast that they are modernising the game.

Football clubs, lest we forget, have always had their share of iffy businessmen at the helm. For all the importance of clubs to male working-class communities in the past, managers and players have been wheeling and dealing over About Prada Products wages and fees for just as long. And saffiano, of course, there have always been cloggers, divers and moaners.

Similarly, fears that the benefits brought by affluence may be outweighed by the drawbacks are nothing new. “In the past few years professional football has become glamorous, with the inevitable ballyhoo more often associated with the pop world,” wrote a PFA leader once. “The opportunities in modern football are enormous. So are the responsibilities.” That was Derek Dougan in Denis Law’s Book Of Soccer No. 4, published in 1969. His words suggest that the basic burning football issues of the late Nineties boil down to what they have always been: human values, good and bad, and the interplay between them.

That interplay is integral to the sport’s fascination. You don’t need a degree in philosophy to see that a football match itself is, for players and spectators alike, a 90-minute unscripted drama, in which every human characteristic is vigorously expressed by the cast on the park.

Sometimes the result is Twelfth Night, sometimes it’s King Lear, and frequently it has more in common with the very worst of Emmerdale. Yet without a All Prada Nylon Bags mixture of creativity and skullduggery, heroism and villainy, comedy and tragedy, every match would be an episode of Postman Pat. Nobody wants that on the pitch, any more than they want a Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Outlet Online dug-out full of Smurfs.

By the same token, no one halfway realistic expects to find angels and philanthropists in the boardrooms of one of the most maniacally competitive sectors of the leisure industry, and it would be plain daft to deny that the advent of new television money has led to improved facilities and an influx of wonderfully exotic foreign players – if Chelsea win the Premiership this year no one should begrudge it on pure footballing grounds.

However the dark side of the glamour is starting to cast too long a shadow. As the Champions League expands according to the maxim that wealth comes before equity or merit, the latest profit-driven idea floated by Murdoch is a four-yearly world club contest to be held at the mid-point between World Cups.

This raises the prospect of some mouth-watering fixtures (notwithstanding the nightmare connotations of the word ‘Estudiantes’) yet poses a further threat to the FA Cup because entering it will make progressively less financial – as opposed to football – sense. Any devaluation of the competition would be a serious blow, not for sentimental reasons, but because it would radically advance the dislocation of the elite from the rest.

The most depressing thing is that it is difficult to see how the worst of the present trends can be tackled, and a healthier balance of football values restored. Gerhard Aigner, general secretary of Uefa, recently warned that “selfish objectives” threaten what he, rather poetically, described as “the football movement”, and he berated the biggest clubs in Europe for not helping develop the game at the grassroots. But how is he going to change them when market forces dominate with such impunity? In Britain, footballers and football moguls are about the only fat cats in the alley who are never reproved by our elected leaders. True, the government set up the football Authentic Prada Vitello Daino task force, but then appointed a former Tory politician, David Mellor, to make the case for the redistribution Ap Lei Chau Prada Factory Outlet of big football’s wealth. (‘New’ Labour’s close acquaintance with Mr Authentic Prada Shoes Outlet Murdoch’s small intestine may have other implications. It would be no surprise if, five years from now, football is home to more than a fair share of their former spin doctors.) So, at least until the great day when all the richest clubs in the Premiership go simultaneously bankrupt and everyone realises that football can be just as spiritually rich without them, we must endure a climate in which (for whatever reason) even decent Danny Wilson can barely squeeze out a post-match condemnation of Paolo Di Canio for felling a ref, and in which a player’s Authentic Prada Bags Uk refusal to accept a penalty because he knew he wasn’t tripped is such a rare event that it makes the leader pages of the national press.

Okay, maybe Robbie Fowler – for it was he, you may recall – deserves all that dosh more than most. After all, similar signs of honesty, humility and sanity of perspective on the role of sport in modern life are depressingly rare at present.

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Which clubs employ animals?

“Earlier this month, Rochdale brought in a falcon to deal with their pigeon problem at Spotland,” writes Connor Randall. “Are they the first football club ever to employ an animal?”

We’re afraid not Connor. Plenty of clubs have been utilising the unique skills of our feathered friends and of other members of the animal kingdom. And not all in order to keep a lid on pigeon guano.

Joe Guarr, Wayne Mabey, Jim Powers and Mike McGroarty all email in with the tale of Bitchy the hawk. Toronto FC brought in the Harris Hawk back in 2007 to help keep their BMO Field clear of pesky seagulls, who hopped over from nearby Lake Ontario to enjoy a good meal at the Authentic Prada Gauffre ground. “Her job Authentic Prada Leather Handbags is pretty simple – it’s to sit and watch the game from the highest vantage point possible,” said Mike Gilvin, the vice-president of Toronto’s Wildlife Management Programs. “Gulls don’t want to fly underneath a predatory bird, so by putting her up high we ensure that the gulls don’t come in and land on the pitch or disturb the spectators.” Bitchy, named thus after a fans’ poll on the club’s website, has “a bit of an attitude” according to Gilvin, but she looks pretty placid in this clip from West Ham’s game in Toronto earlier this year.

Both Madrid sides have used birds of prey in recent years to tackle their pigeon problems, and Ross Sechler informs us that on a honeymoon tour of Stamford Bridge in the summer (Ross, you old romantic) he and his new wife watched a falcon help out with Chelsea’s pest control. It might be an idea for someone to suggest this humane solution to an investation of avian interlopers to Staines FC, who have recently been angering animal rights Authentic Prada Handbags Canada activists with their more direct methods.

“Manchester City also employed a falcon at Maine Road for exactly the same reason,” explains Sam Cowan, “until they realised it was cheaper to hang a plastic one from one end of the Kippax which seemed to work just as well.”

As Oliver Farry and Jaime Alonso point out, an eagle soars around the Estadio da Luz and lands in Authentic Prada Outlet Uk the stadium before Benfica home games. It’s also tradition for Vitoria, as the bird is known, to be present when players sign for the club. Here’s Pablo Aimar trying to force a smile, while holding a huge bird that looks ready to peck his eyes out.

Oliver also suggests Authentic Prada Leather Handbag that Sedan have been led out at two recent Coupe de France finals by boars, while “FC Cologne has always employed a (real) goat as a mascot, I kid you not,” chuckles Robert Sleigh. Ho. Ho Ho. These days, though, mammals are something of a rarity at football stadia. In years gone by, of course, livestock were often allowed to graze on the pitches and in the 1920s the Ipswich Town groundsman Walter Woollard kept sheep, goats and chickens in a stand at Portman Road.

Even a pair of fish have found themselves taken on by a club. In 2005 floods saw Judy the goldfish washed Authentic Prada Online Shop from her comfortable tank in a house opposite Carlisle United’s Brunton Park and wind up in the goalmouth on the pitch where she was fortuitously rescued by Emma Story, the daughter of the club owner Fred. The club won their next game – against Redditch – and, as Emma pointed out, “fans began to say the fish represented the fighting spirit of the club”. On the back of that early success, Judy took up residence as the club’s mascot and can claim to have played her own small role in the club’s rise to League One from her bowl in the club’s reception.

Do you know of any other instances? Email them to the usual address.

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“Hearts have used four goalkeepers in their first nine SPL games,” writes Derek Corney. “What’s the highest number of goalkeepers used by one club in a season?”

Several readers put their hands up to let us know about clubs with a particularly promiscuous attitude to goalkeepers. While Boston United (2007-08), Morecambe (2007-08) and Burnley (1991-92) all employed five different stoppers over the course of a season to better Hearts current tally, James Tong wrote in to raise the bar. “Gillingham used six goalkeepers in the 2006-07 season. Kelvin Jack started the season as the Gills’ No1, but quickly fell out of favour. The club then brought in Darren Randolph, Dean Brill, Scott Flinders, Roman Larrieu, and Simon Royce on loan at various times.”

Seeing Gillingham’s six and raising them a seven, Tristan Browning staked a claim for Tranmere’s 2002-03 side. John Achterberg, Keith Welch, Ian Feuer, Phil Whitehead (who played in consecutive 6-1 defeats), Russell Howarth and Eric Nixon all pulled on their gloves for Rovers’ cause – however, Phil Palethorpe only ever made the bench, Authentic Prada Clothing so it looks like an honourable draw in this case.

However, Mark Andrews tops this with details of AFC Wimbledon’s successful promotion campaign last year. “They started the season with Andy Little. Paul Seuke donned the gloves for a Westview Senior Cup game against Whyteleafe, and then again in the league against Folkestone Invicta. Little returned for the next few games before getting injured against Chelmsford. With no goalkeeper on the bench right-back Luke Garrard went in goal for the second half and kept a clean sheet in the 1-0 victory.

“Then they got Corrin Brookes-Mead on loan from Fulham to deputise for Little, against Tonbridge Angels, but he, in turn, was injured, on his debut, so young reserve goalie Ben Symons came on for his first ever game. Danny Knowles was then signed on loan from Grays Athletic, and played for a number of games; after his loan expired, Lee Butcher was brought in on loan from Tottenham; at the end of his loan James Pullen was brought in on loan from Eastleigh. Wimbledon also had young Elliot Ransom in goal for a London Senior Cup tie against Bromley. So, counting league games only, AFC Wimbledon used eight different keepers, nine if you include the cups.”


Last week we delved into the world of lengthy bans and time elapsing between punishments and the suspensions being served. But there were some notable omissions …

“Brian Mooney, the late 80s cult hero of Preston North End, was sent off for (Irish side) Bohemian FC versyus Dynamo Minsk in 1996, but did not serve the suspension until 2000,” writes Karl Mullen. “Bohs messed up by failing to include him in the squad list for the following year’s Uefa Cup game against Ferencvaros. He did not serve his suspension as Uefa did not consider him to be a Bohs player for the tie, so he served his suspension when U.C.D. registered him for the Intertoto a few years later against Bulgaria’s PFC Velbazhd Kyustendil.”

And Sean DeLoughrey adds that “Donal Broughan was sent off while playing for Bohemians against Ferencvaros in 1997 for lashing out at an opponent. He was banned for three European games, and served two of those five years later, when his new club, Dundalk, played Varteks in the Uefa Cup. In theory, he’s still suspended but having retired from the game, I doubt he’s unduly concerned.”


When we suggested last week that Paul Dickov was the only member of Scotland’s 1989 Under-16 World Cup team to become a full international, we were wrong. As Alex Lamont points out, “sorry to contradict you, but both Andy McLaren (one cap) and Brian O’Neil (seven caps) both graduated from that side.


“Following the recent scandal in Italy, I got to wondering what the earliest ever example of match-fixing is?” wrote Seamus Callaghan in 2006.

It’s a whopping 106 years ago and involves Burnley goalkeeper ‘Happy’ Jack Hillman. With his team needing to beat Nottingham Forest to avoid relegation, Hillman was alleged to have offered the opposition 2 a head to “take it easy” [around 144 in today’s money, according to the retail price index]. He upped his offer to 5 [360] at half-time, by which point Burnley were trailing 2-0.

The Clarets eventually lost 4-0 and went down to the second division before being hauled before the Football League. Hillman Black Prada Eyeglass Case admitted speaking to Forest players, but denied trying to bribe them. Which didn’t wash with the authorities, who chose to set an example by banning him from the game for one year.

For many more sepia-tinged questions and answers, why not visit the Knowledge archive?

Can you help?

“Jamie Carragher’s fine headed goal last Saturday was his third for Spurs, the same number as he has scored in the league Barberino Factory Outlet Prada for Liverpool. What is the record number of own goals scored for a particular club by a single player?” wonders Adrian Riley.

“When was the last time that an English top-flight game kicked off with a snow-covered pitch (and I mean properly covered in snow, not just a light dusting with grass visible through it)?|” asks Mark Goodge.

“Before his switch to Heerenveen, Viktor Elm scored four games in his final match for Kalmar, while playing alongside brothers Rasmus and David,” notes Steve Stringer. “How many other teams have had three or more siblings playing for the same team in the same match?”

“Having read about Peter Thorne’s love of surfing with sharks,” writes Martyn Salter, “I was wondering if any other players enjoy hobbies that could threaten their careers?”

Send your questions and answers to

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The Joy of Six: pitch invasions

1) Chicago White Sox v Detroit Tigers, 12 July 1979

This is now officially the worlds largest anti-disco rally! Now listen C we took all the disco records you brought tonight, we got em in a giant box and were gonna blow em up reeeeeeal goooood. Steve Dahl, 1979.

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Bill Veeck loved a baseball promotion. As owner of the St Louis Browns, he had Eddie Gaedel, a 3ft7in man with dwarfism, come to the plate as a stunt in 1951. As owner of the Chicago White Sox, he introduced an exploding scoreboard in an attempt to tempt a few more punters to Comiskey Park. So when the White Sox decided to promote their double-header against the Detroit Tigers on 12 July 1979 with a Disco Demolition Night C in which punters could gain admittance to the game for 98 cents if they brought a disco record to be exploded in the interval between the two games C there were no more than a few raised eyebrows.

This was the age of Saturday Night Fever but as Donna Summer and co ruled the airwaves and club nights, a backlash movement had begun. Angry at the way disco had marginalised his beloved rock and roll in Chicago, Steve Dahl, C a local radio DJ C was made MC for the evening and entered the field of play after the first game, which the Tigers won 4-1. Having collected the fans records, he paraded around the outfield atop a Jeep, clad in army garb, whipping the crowd into a frenzy before igniting the fuse to a skip full of disco.

Centre-field disappeared! There was a crater in centre-field! It was unbelievable, said the White Sox outfielder Rusty Torres, who was also subject to a storm of records hurled from the stands in the first game. The explosion sent the record shards flying across the pitch and acted as a starting gun for fans to descend from the stands.

The White Sox typically played in front of about 15,000 that season but with Dahls call to arms seemingly striking a chord, some reports claim that 70,000 clambered through and Biggest Prada Store London over the turnstiles into the 44,500-capacity stadium that evening. As many as 7,000 are believed to have taken to the field, as batting cages were destroyed and fires were started. Home plate Baby Prada Shoes Uk was dug up, fans openly drunk whiskey, smoked marijuana in the team dugouts and one vendor, Barry Rozner, who had his ice pops stolen, said he was pretty sure I saw two people having sex behind third base.

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